que sera sera

you know how some smells and sounds just reminds of you certain ppl, certain times or bring back this rush of memories. i think its especially potent to me.

was listening to que sera, and i remembered how my mummy used to sing it to me when i was young. every night before i sleep. and its been so long, and sometimes i kinda miss it. and then there's this hair product she uses, and that smell just gives me this warm feeling (sounds weird i know). shrugs.

i identify diff smells with diff ppl. or songs. like 'the reason' is tagged to ming. or 'i'm with you' is tagged to rachel. because of some stuff we shared. doesn't have to be monumental, but it just sticks. 'collide' with interdependent. the list goes on and on. and also how rachel has her own unique smell, like soap. that i love (: and anwar smells like baby powder. hahaha. all my random observations. and there's you, with your smell. that i can't forget. i can't let go. and everytime i smell it, it brings this huge rush of memories and emotions.

i'm starting to see everything in a new light. i appreciate things alot more. cos it might be the last time i see it. shrugs. i'm like all prepared to leave alr. and i know there'll be things i will find really hard to let go, so i'm slowly saying goodbye. so when the time comes, i can remember everything, without having to rush around trying to squish everything into my memory.

: que sera :: sly and the family stone :

life is a cabaret old chum (:

cabaret was full of sex, rather crude, a tad bit nonsensical.. but oh so extremely lovely and hilarious. heee (: i love it i love it. the costumes were 0_o sorry, wardrobe mistress and all. the sexual connotations couldn't have been more blatant. it was super funny. i couldn't believe e spore govt allowed such a show. smirks. stef and i seemed to say the same thing at e same time quite a few times that day. esp the omgs. hahaha. it was wonderful (: just sad rach and ming couldn't go. roars.

jeremy told me i would suck as a lawyer and rock as an arbitrator -.- i think some would beg to differ. hahaha. but i'm glad everything's better now. stupid boy, go work on your math :p haha. much love to you and junwee still. -.-

when you are enchanted, why should you break the spell?

: chasing cars :: snow patrol :
its rising up to e same ranks as memory soon (:

pink pretty shoes (:

whahahaha (: i'm super happy. i got e pretty shoes i ordered from 8020nyc. i'm in lurveeeeee. they have e cutest cutest shoes. had to order using my dad's fedex acct though, but since he's relatively unaware of wats in my wardrobe, he happily bought it for me. my mum would rather kill me than buy me more shoes -.-

and i got booked for uniform today. grumbles. they made all of us pull out our shirts to check for elastic or string la. damnit. e teacher's eyes were like 0_0 when she saw my metal hook on my shirt. hahaha. but if they want us to come to school without elastic, i'm gonna have to borrow someone's shirt :p

brilliantly forgot abt pae -.- though i distinctly rmb ours being in aug. shrugs. not very useful to me either, cos it strictly doesn't give scholarships for law. roars.

cabaret tmr (: makes me a happy happy girl. screw time! just either without rach/ming. :p and then fireworks at night again. goodness, every single bloody week i have fireworks just outside my window -.- and everyday stupid planes swooping arnd making a hell load of noise. not a fan of nat day, except for e fireworks. lomo cam time (: speaking of which, my bday's coming in exactly 3 months! and since i prob won't get to see alot of ppl on my bday (being 4 days before e As and all), you can give me a early present :D i want a HOLGA PLEASE!!!!

scrolling down my inbox. sharp pain, and emptiness.

someone once told me, only if it hurts, then you know what you felt was real..

: love hurts :: damien rice :

midnight in manhattan

i feel way more mature nowadays. in comparison. smirks.

hearing about it from ivan just made everything feel even more detached. ppl just get dumber as they grow older. seriously. rg had such a better way of dealing with things. as rachel says, it doesn't really matter cos either way i'm gonna be roaming around snapping pictures. hahaha. and what matters most is that the night ends well (: screw!

had a horrid allergic attack yesterday. thanks to 7th month. ppl burning things everywhere -.- don't you know its an environmental hazard and pollution! grumbles. had me sniffling till today. hence me skipping sch. bah. very behind on my work. need to study. and that darn econs S essay. roars.

need to stop checking sgselltrade, sgspree and tzarist. grumbles.

studying's good. gets you and all the images out of my mind.

[edit] i just found out my bio tutor reads junwee's blog 0_o oh goodness. so dangerous [/edit]

: different names for the same thing :: death cab :

musings.

i tend to have the weirdest thoughs when i'm studying.

don't really understand how ppl's whole lives can revolve around clubbing. i mean i get the allure of it all, just losing yourself to the music and alcohol. as my dad likes to say, been there done that -.- it used to be quite a big thing for me. a long long time ago (damn i sound old), but it wasn't my everything. and yet when i see friends and stranger slipping in and out of drunk oblivion and clubbing nights. its quite hard to comprehend eh? there's much more to life than that..

and since its studying time, it equates to music time too. was listening to a few old cds of mine. haha, and i realise why i love norah jones so much. her two cds are titled 'come away with me' and 'feels like home', and all the songs in there really give you that kinda feeling. i esp love come away with me cos its the perfect cd to play when you're on a road heading to nowhere, or somewhere. haha.

oh yarh. i'm in love with damien rice. so now its daniel vosovic + azzurri + ronaldo + orlando bloom + damien rice = extreme love. grins. his songs are absolutely lovely. so raw. fits my modd (: haha, and if u have no idea who he is. just call my hp, and u'll hear cannonball (y)

chinadoll kayli. hahaha (: ilu! we look like macs don't we. grins, red and yellow. i get so amused just listening to her talk. this little girl i met there (yanyi) pointed to kayli and said 'she talks funny'. haha. kids say e darnest things eh.small denise (: i love this girl to bits. hahaha. and i'm almost as white as her now! wow.

(noee & nat) monkeys and audrey (:

kai kai!

anyway, rg b div won champion again (: hahaha. yay for my darlings. i love gym comp. i get to meet all my darlings again. kayli jie, small denise, audrey, monkeys (noee & nat), kai and all the little ones. haha.

: amie :: damien rice :

the smallest things have e ability to rake up the biggest memories. how ironic.

keratese. bed. starbucks. ripcurl. mud. white sneakers. stripes. les miserables. espresso. boots. sugarcult. ipod. david & goliath. soap. baked potato. sunnies. grey. pictures. sushi. i never. truth or dare. showers. clubbing. m & ms. dark princess. scones. phish food. fingers. narnia. choir. images of backs. glasses. shins. sleepovers. sony ericsson. cobbled stones. math. watches. pens. slippers. warmth. buses. wax statues. prince william. backseats.

so much. so little. its overwhelming sometimes.

don't blame me for being dramatic. its the only way i know how to be sometimes. i just want a story. of my own.

dinner with my juniors was lovely. despite the loud noise from the enthusiastic young ones -.- plus having to feel bloody ancient (i was e oldest one there). made everything feel ok again for a moment.

i walk around hoping i never see it.

gym comp 06

i've forgotten how much i miss the smell of glitter hairspray in the air, the smell of gym comp, the feeling of the bandage around my wrists, tape around my knees and ankles. i miss having my team with me, cheering, crying and screaming together.

haha, ignore my open mouth and closed eyes -.- but i loved this team so much. my bdiv girls, and c div trampers. haha. and teo. hell, i'd happily take all his conditioning in the world just to go back again. roars.

haha. it felt all the same, yet so different.

there are some things that dance just cannot compare with gym.

i think i have really strong loyalties. haha. once a rg gymnast, always a rg gymnast.

i'm so darn proud of my rg girls (: small denise, audrey and noee. well done dears.

and dinner with wenxin, juee and hui hui was hilarious shit, as usual. hahaha. sat there talking for quite awhile, which felt really nice. but it wasn't really e same, missing 3 ppl. shrugs. we'll never go back to where we were. the best times, in sec 4. at henry park, training almost every other day, nonsensing abt. flying off the tramp. hahaha. i loved those times.

ah wells. can't go back, so forward i go now. i need to learn to live for the future.

it hurts. damnit it hurts. but all i have is the past. no longer the future.

: amie :: damien rice :

maybe.

Maybe I should just lose my memory, and start from scratch again.
I love you.
I don't understand how adults can be so cold. i hope i never end up that way 0_o
I lose sleep trying to avoid my dreams.
People say I am the epitome of drama. smirks.
Love is one of e few things i really believe in.
When I like someone it hits me right smack in my face.
Somewhere someone's dying and someone's coming into this world.
I will always be me.
'Forever' and a day. always.
I never want to be hurt again. another impossible thing.
I think the current US President is a moron -.-
I will never stop dancing.
My past is a source of comfort and pain.
My greatest fear is to lose everyone i love. that's why i always take alot of pictures.
I get annoyed when i don't get to dance, when adults pull ran, when ppl cancel on me last minute, when.. the list goes on and on.
My dog is a figment of my imagination
Kisses are the best on a cold night.
Tomorrow isn't what i always look forward to, cos it brings the day with it.
I really want to run far far away from this wretched place, and then only contact the ppl i want to.
I have low tolerance for smokers too. liars. arrogance.

boredom yields such nonsense :p from rachel's blog.

shades of grey

i'm starting to like grey now. cos that's how i've learned to see things. nothing is purely bad or good. its always tainted. with something.

incoherence. that seems to be a word largely associated with me. unfortunately.

i think you're sick and tired of hearing me repeat the same thing over and over again. i'm sick of hearing it myself. but i can't stop. i really can't stop. i try, but it all comes bubbling out. shrugs.

i miss london. the cold crisp air. cloudy skies. getting swallowed into the crowds, losing myself in the structured madness. the smell of baking bread wafting out of bakeries. english breakfast. pastries. feeling so at home there. so right. acceptance. pretty british lads. the pigeons. i love the london subway. you can sit on it for hours and never reach the end.

displaced. like i don't really belong.

Alone on a train aimless in wonder
An outdated map crumbled in my pocket
But I didn't care where I was going
'Cause they're all different names for the same place.

The coast disappeared when the sea drowned the sun
And I knew no words to share with anyone
The boundaries of language I quietly cursed
And all the different names for the same thing

There are different names for the same things
There are different names for the same things...

: different names for the same thing :: death cab for cutie :
its such a haunting song.

dreams

the dreams are back again.

my thoughts always seep into my dreams.

i didn't get out of bed for a really long time today. drifting in and out of sleep, in and out of the haunting dreams.

oh i laugh by day
and i cry by night
i pretend to each friend
that my world is alright

they know you're gone
and they see
how i feel deep inside
but they're kind
so they're blind
to the hurt i can't hide

yes i laugh by day
when people are near
cause what else
what else am i to do

oh but i cry by night
all alone with my tears
for the want
and need of you

till you're back
in my arms
nothing's good
nothing's right
i may laugh by day
but i'll cry
how i cry by night

: i cry by night :: kay starr :

the road

it seems i love to continually torture myself. seeking out things that i know will hurt me. thinking about what ifs, maybes, perhaps. imagining a impossible scenario. reliving the memories. its like a spoilt tape that keeps re-running in my mind. how do you stop it. how do i stop thinking. i wish i could. yet i can't bear to let go. i'm talking in fucking circles again. i want something normal. i wish it had all started in normal circumstances. and not in such a indefinite, dreamy time and place. sometimes i smell it, and i turn around, looking out into the crowd. but it'll never be. i know deep down somewhere that it'll never be the way i wish, i hoped it'd be. its like one of those japanese powdery sweets, you put it in your mouth and you have this short burst of flavour, and immediately it melts, leaving your mouth sticky and uncomfortable. that's the best way i can describe it. and then once you had it, its so good, you want it again, but its just sitting out of reach. hah. round and round in circles we go. its driving me insane. it was one of the best things that happened to me. but its one of the things that hurt me the most too. it made me feel alive, warm and safe. yet it left me in a situation worse than before. i'm full of contradictions and ironies, and so is it. that's how it'll always be. illogical. nonsensical. madness.

i feel like i'm standing on a road, leading to a place i don't know, and it stretches far far out, further than i can see. but no matter what, i will always keep on walking. whether i take it with me, is another thing.

i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think they'd understand. when everything's made to be broken. i just want you to know who i am.

: iris :: goo goo dolls :

screw you (:

completed my first sketchbook yesterday night. haha. it felt really good. but haven't been drawing much cos kinda got tired after rproject and dance night. but lately i've been sketching on random stuff again, so decided to transfer em properly into my sketchbook (: still have quite a few sketches lying around e place. so i can finally use the new sketchbook scre(w) got me last yr (: lardeedum. i want screw outing ):

pirates pirates pirates. i want sexy pirate bloom. hehee.

gym comp's next week. happiness. plus a surprise, which makes everything all bright and shinier. hehee. get to see all my darling juniors again (:

i wonder if you're being cruel, having fun or just plain don't care. either way, it hurts.

: i say a little prayer :: aretha franklin :

down the runway.

-swoons- i've just found another piece of eyecandy. hahaha. daniel vosovic from project runway. seriously, he would be my ideal guy, mysterious, brooding-looking, gorgeous, lovely cheekbones, talented, nice, sweet, dresses well and all that. just too bad he's in the us and he's gay -.- roars.

hahaha. i googled him, and found a whole load of gay blogs waxing lyrical about him. grins. how he's so gorgeous and they want to marry him. haha. he's terribly cute. and i love the clothes he makes. their slinky and really beautiful. none of the deconstructed nonsense. :p his orchid one today 0_o and look out for his next week flowers one. lovely lovely. hahaha

omg. i just read his bio 0_o he's a dance instructor in his free time and was a national gymnast for 12 yrs. BLOODY HELL. yep, he's definitely my ideal guy. damn his gay tendencies. growls. ooh. go watch his interview video. he's funny too! damn damn damn.

how i would kill to go to fashion school. like parsons. ): first step towards that, sewing lessons after As.
: where to begin :: my morning jacket :

the last kiss

i've found my new elizabethtown (: hahaha. its called the last kiss.

there's something in the movie that i can identify with. the yearning to do something. to be somebody. to actually live, and not exist. to do something exciting, to do something worthwhile with my life. to feel. to love. to hurt. to scream.

something to look forward to. finally.

watch me obsess.

i want to stop to be. i want to do something exciting with my life.

having rachel bilson in it, just makes it oh so sweeter (:

oh yes. and for my lovely dancers. check this out (: step up. haha. for my dear gymnasts (: stick it. they just gotta all sound e same eh -.- happy things to look forward to.

just when i thought..

[edit] i'm watching the planes fly by in the night sky. and how i wish, i was in one of them. flying far far away from this wretched place. far far away from you. and to a beautiful place, full of new hope, adventure and peace. i sound like i want to die and go to heaven -.- [/edit]

the past always comes back and bites you in the butt eh.

i thought i could stuff everything under that proverbial bed. and all it takes is 4 letters, and 3 symbols for everything to unravel, to come bursting out again.

when it rains, it pours..

i need to constantly remind myself to look towards the future. a better future, a future where i'm free from everything that's holding me down and back here. i have to get there, its one of the few things i'm living for now.

the weeks are so long. so tiresome to get through.

: i'm still here :: goo goo dolls :

italia italia (:

ITALIA (: CHAMPIONS OF THE WORLD! teeheeheee. JEREMY (patrick vieira look-alike)! just for the record, i told you so :p nyeh heh heh heh. and i got ten bucks out of it. smirks.

no one came over in e end ): but i had a great time cheering italy on with my mummy and messaging my fellow football companions. hahaha. super duper happy (: the italians were (y) i don't care what anyone says. lalalala. this is e best result possible if england, portugal or czech couldn't have won.

the penalty shootout was seriously heart-stopping. hahaha. carnavaro, buffon and pirlo are my champions (: and of course grosso. hehee. sad didn't get to see my darling gilardino playing though. roars. and i don't watch e italian league. so i suppose its euro 08 for me to see him again. hahaha, which i hope i'll be able to watch live then. grins

2nd worldcup i've watched (: this one esp memorable cos of all my darlings who shared it with me. esp mingkie poo, my football companion. hahaha. our screamings plus trading insults. love you (:

epl here i come (: just no more cristiano anymore ): wails.

comfort

i've got it seared in my memory. sometimes when i just stare into space, all i can see is that.

my memories of everything that happened are starting to blur, fading into one another. i can't really rmb the exact days and sequence of events anymore. but there are somethings that are fresh in my mind, the sounds, the smells, the sights and most of all the feelings. one day i'll probably forget all the details, but i know i'll never forget how i felt. all the emotions. and the pain.

thankful/grateful to those who stretched a hand out to me, to help me up, pull me along when i was down (: consciously or unconsciously. i love you all mucho mucho. made the stars come out again in my darkness.

ming and rach coming over for world cup finals tmr (: goodie goodie gumdrops. hahaha. then we can just scream at each other face to face, instead across the phones. -.- you should hear the hysterical phone calls btwn ming and i, then rach and i. damn funny. just nonsensical screamings and ramblings. hehee. i live for such days.

roars. i really dread going to school nowadays. its become such a disgusting place. nothing can compare to rgs, but since i can't go back. i can only yearn to move forward. faster. but there are things in rj that brought me joy unlike that in rg. dance for one. and growing even closer to mel. we're reaching a point where i now think of her as a real sister (: it used to be we went out once in awhile, and i might call her sometimes, or we'd go to gym together. now. i can turn to her for anything, anytime. and she's supported me through so many bad days. so many bad moments. and most of e the good times i have now in sch, usually include her. love you sis.

portugal vs germany (: go portugal!

: fix you :: coldplay :

italia! portugal!

[edit] oh how my heart aches for portugal ): my poor cristiano. ): its italia all the way now! must beat the bloody french. grrs [/edit]

whooopeeeeee. ITALIA (: sexy hot men. grins. think leslie and i must be e happiest ppl that italy won. him cos he likes italy. and me cos i hate germany. so everyone's happy. lalalala.

portugal vs france tonight. its junwee, rachel, ming, dee and i. vs jeremy, lester, mango and quite a few other ppl -.- hmmphs. i like portugal. GO PORTUGAL (: haha.

and i'd like to say i watch soccer not only for the hot guys but also cos i appreciate the game ok! stop thinking girls only watch for hot guys. hmmphs. hot guys are the bonus! :p

yum yum. my lovely gilardino (:

and i realise as time goes by, orlando bloom is getting hotter each day. hahaha. nvr did really like him as legolas. but after pirates and elizabethtown. he's fast becoming one of my fav actors. haha. abit rough around the ages, dark broodin look (: i like. grins. can't wait for e second pirates. seriouly, orlando + johnny + keira = wj + ming + rach + stef + seto going to heavens. hahaha.

i rmb why i love elizabethtown so much. to just let go of everything and anything. to run free with the wind.

let there be you
let there be me
let there be oysters
under the sea

let there be wind
occasional rain
chilli con carne
sparkling champagne

let there be birds
to sing in the trees
someone to bless me
whenever i sneeze

let there be cuckoos,
a lark and a dove,
but first of all, please
let there be love

: let there be love :: nat king cole :
oldies are still the best (:

sweet jazz

please do this. wanjun will love you mucho mucho (:

hahaha. AND I WANT MY COOKIE RACHEL!

chem results was roars. but i improved. so shall take that as encouragement. lalala, germany vs italy. ugly bastards vs hot men. smirks. ming's gonna smack me (: i'm watching and i'm hoping e hot men win. hehee.

introduced mel to the world of jazz. it just makes everything seem calmer and hazier. i like.

[edit] was just thinking about the conversation i had with mel and suefaye today. i haven't laughed so hard since stef's bday. and i really live for moments like that. one of e few reasons i go to school. haha. mel has e weirdest phobias. smirks. william vs owen. dangeroussss. hahahaa. (: love you two dears.

i want to run away. far far away. [/edit]

the little black book (:

: don't it make my brown eyes blue :: crystal gayle :

shopping shopping (:

i'm feeling so refreshed and happier (: did alooot of shopping e past few days. alot of new pretty things. haha. went out with mel and anwar today. two ppl i've missed during e hols. roars. did our nonsense stuff. and i have my fellow photowhore pictures to prove. grins.

now who is this italian boy. smirks.


hahaha. its just a bald anwar. heheheee (: well, he was e one who said he looked like an italian with my sunnies. grins.

you're like the ocean. beautiful, peaceful and soothing at times. yet you can be chaos, tumultous and violent too. i've always had an obsession with the ocean. loving how it seems ever-changing. watching the tides come in. and i love taking walks on the beach, walking along the shore as the waves wash over my feet and dipping in the cool waters. but i never dared to go to far out to sea, being wary of the unknown. hah. i always worry that if i venture to out to sea, the waves will pull me under, swallowing me. and i'll get lost in all that confusion and chaos. so i never did. and the only time i forgot and swam into the ocean, letting it consume me, it felt so right at first. then the waves started rising, and i was left in the middle of nowhere, floundering. drowning.

: the ocean :: mae :

up then down.

well first i was really happy. cos angie and i got our project up and running. its called the little black book. haha. go check it out here. and please spread e word and link it on ur blogs (:

but then england lost. wailsssss. my lovely darling england. and the winning penalty had to be shot in by my darling cristiano ): bittersweet shite. but i'm terribly miserable that england's out. i bawled so much my head's hurting now -.- roars.

now i'm sorta up again. cos brazil's OUT :D i'm a mighty happy girl. heheee. even though i was so pissed at e french for kicking spain out, i chose e lesser of 2 evils. and supported france (: cos brazil knocked england out of e last world cup :p and made me lose 10 bucks to rachel 4 yrs ago, plus had to listen to her saying i was a moron cos no1. i bet for england. no2. i bet for england to win against brazil. well, it doesn't matter now, cos brazil's out! whahaha. happy monkeys. then i'm thinking e finals is gonna be btwn portugal and germany. and portugal has always been my no2 team, behind england. so i'm all for portugal now (:

poor ming's gonna be devastated abt her ronaldo. huggy huggies (: cheer up. we can mourn together, you for brazil and me for england. then you can cheer ur darling michael ballack on and i'll cheer my cristiano ronaldo on together in e finals k (: muacks.

fashion.

gorgeous pictures eh. haha. got a lil project with angie (: look out for it. grins. so fun so fun. shopping, fashion and clothes does wonders. retail therapy (y) dragged my mummy to far east. and finally got my basket bullet-ish bag. a weekend bag, tinkerbelle necklace (: SHOES, pretty dresses and earrings. hee. muacks to all my darlings. esp ming! the pictures remind me so much of angie and i. i'm all black and white, and she's all abt e colours (: hehe.

: you could be happy :: snow patrol :

you and you and you..

it seems that i'm blind as a bat. shrouded in darkness. constantly taking the wrong step, wrong path and tumbling into bottomless pits. and then my friends have to come racing after me to pull me out of there. shine some light into my eyes. and yet after awhile, i fall into another pit. and the cycle just starts all over again. and you who made those pits, just dig them and leave them there for me to fall in. never caring about what happens to me after all that. its always up to my friends to pick up the pieces of the mess. and try and put it back together again. but it'll never be the same you know. the lines will always show. but i'm grateful. and tired of falling into the pits. how many times ming has told me its not worth it. and yet i still continue doing so. so this is it. i've had enough. after this no more pits. i'm opening my eyes wide and clear. just give me time.

its not just one you. its many yous. hah.

: when it all falls apart :: the veronicas :